Well it’s been nearly two years since the one I thought I had waited for my entire life discarded me without caring enough to even say goodbye. I’d like to say I’m not broken…that I don’t care anymore but it’s not true. Despite moving on in remarkable ways, the grief sometimes hits me like an unwelcome tidal wave of jagged bricks and I am shattered again and pissed at myself because by now I should be over it and able to see he’s not worth that.
Recently, I broke down (again) on the phone with a dear friend. Sick of taking the high road, I wanted to write down every rage filled thought and send to my ex. My wise friend advised me to consider writing a letter then ripping it up instead (the reasonable choice). I wanted nothing less than unleashing the full torrent directly onto the person who deserves it (my friend supported that option too…one of the many reasons we get along so well). Fortunately (or not), reason won out and I decided to wait at least 48 hours before doing anything. So here I am. Still dealing with the smoldering scar that forms when you opt to “be the better person” by fighting to appear calm and wishing your ex well instead of punching him in the face which just makes you look all crazy and such. Well it’s time to be crazy because this repressed rage sh*t isn’t worth it. I hope letting this mess loose will remind me why no one will ever treat me that way again & maybe some of y’all will find solace as well (or at least some new insults for your ex).
So here it is, Top Ten Crazy A*s Things I wish I had told my Ex after he Left Without Saying Goodbye:
1) I hope you choke on 57 Tide Pods and your “crazy” (I’m now not entirely sure she was the crazy one) ex-wife ends up being your nurse.
2) Your dick isn’t as big as you think which is a shame because I wish it would hit you in the face.
3) You seemed to enjoy belittling the South where I’m from (ironically my hometown is a far more metropolitan city than where you grew up). Here’s hoping all the “Deliverance” stereotypes magically come true next time you visit anything south of the Mason-Dixon line.
4) Not sure why you lied to my beloved Dad (who considered you to be a friend and part of our family) when you asked for my hand in marriage. You’re lucky he opted to leave you alone only because he is reasonable and didn’t want to end up in jail.
5) Really not sure why you accused me of being a gold digger despite my Master’s Degree and full-time job. You had 12 suitcases of ex-wife baggage, no gold to dig, or even a shovel at the time.
6) Which makes it even more difficult for me to understand how it is you are now apparently content to shack up with some flake from the deepest bowels of the internet who (if her online postings are to be believed) lounges around, doesn’t work, pretends to be a child, & smokes pot all day.
7) Next time I meditate I’m going to visualize you getting your precious manhood stuck in a rollercoaster.
8) I wish you the best with your new relationship. Hope y’all both fall into a septic tank on the way to the Elvis Chapel.
9) My horrifying job which has nearly killed me? Um yeah dealing with that blazing shitshow actually turned out to be better in comparison than what you put me through. So thanks for that. Unlike your promise of marriage, my job is at least stable and I’ll have a kick ass retirement should I live to see that day.
10) I’d like to scratch your eye out with the engagement ring but I’m too busy trying to sell that shit so I can get the F up on outta here to the nearest beach with hot men & cold cocktails.
Breathe in…breathe out. Guess it’s back to my hourly attempts to be all Namaste & sh*t.
Xoxo,
Broke Down in Paradise