I found out my fiancé was still alive when his ex posted on Facebook (complete with pics of the two of them together…yay!): “celebrating ***s last night in (random city here) together.”
I had spent the previous 2 weeks calling hospitals, not sure where he was because he suddenly stopped returning my calls. I was hesitant to contact his family because he cancelled the trip we were supposed to take to meet them. We were discussing moving across the country together for his job but given he shut down every time we talked I didn’t know if he had changed his mind, lost it, or what. Seeing a horrid post that he was apparently well enough to “celebrate” (with a dubious ex girlfriend no doubt) despite not calling his fiancé for two weeks after a 12 hour day at my job in healthcare was a shot to the heart that I can’t even describe. I remain grateful a good friend listened to my breathless sobs over the phone and talked me out of driving to the restaurant they were at and ripping them both into a million tiny shards.
Just 2 weeks prior we were celebrating our engagement. A whirlwind of calling my family (who now considered him to be their family), my coworkers and patients feverishly asking about wedding plans and giving advice. Imagine my dismay when clients and friends wanted to celebrate with us long after he left and I couldn’t bring myself to say “he just up and left without a single, solitary word or explanation.” A knock down, drag out fight would’ve been far better than just…nothing. I wore the ring for 6 solid months because I couldn’t accept that he was gone. Finally I took it off. When people commented I simply stated “it didn’t work out” and left it at that. And the world didn’t end even though my heart sometimes felt like it might.
I lost a great love in my twenties (he passed away) and I now believe giving your heart to someone who cares so little that they don’t even say goodbye is truly worse. At least in death, you get closure, have support from friends, and go through stages of grief. There isn’t a manual for when someone just up and leaves without a trace. Or so I thought. My mom sent me “Ignore the Guy…a Woman’s Survival Guide to Mastering a Break-Up and Taking Back Her Power” by Leslie Braswell. At first, I thought I would use her principles to get him back (silly me!). However, Leslie kindly yet bluntly points out that the “Man who disappears” (especially more than once which sadly is the case here) is the worst kind of all. “A Houdini with no character that you should think twice about allowing back into your life.” I thought I was the only one in this situation, but apparently not. Spineless men live everywhere! Leslie says “He’s not capable of having a hard conversation. He doesn’t have a good excuse so don’t waste your time waiting for a bad one…have another date scheduled before the sun sets tonight.” I used her words as a daily mantra for the next 6 months. She even responded with kindness and wisdom to an email I sent seeking advice. My rage spurred many trips to the gym, a nutritional program (that my ex didn’t think I should go to), and a 40 pound weight loss. I am now looking (and feeling) hotter than ever! I’ve even managed to hang on (by a thin thread) to a very stressful job longer than I thought possible in order to be fully vested in my retirement contributions, something no man will ever take away from me. I thought I was too old and irritated for the dating world but guess what? There are great guys out there (if you are willing to meet a few crazies initially) who cherish everything I am versus constantly comparing and belittling due to some past baggage about an ex.
Over time, I’ve realized I could’ve guessed he didn’t really love me when I spent a substantial amount of time helping him negotiate his new job and he carelessly said I could move with no help from him (for HIS job) with the last paycheck from mine. I offered to go to a bank for his benefit given he claimed to have PTSD about his ex-wife being a “crazy goldigger” (I’m now sure she was not as crazy as advertised). I thought meeting with a neutral party might help him to understand that couples can arrange finances in a multitude of ways that suits them both. Nope, that wasn’t acceptable to him either.
Mr. Houdini now finds it acceptable to shack up with someone who sounds unstable and prides herself on a life goal of making the fulfillment of his extremely sexually deviant fantasies her full time job. I thought he was “50 Shades of Grey.” According to what he posts on the internet (he really should be more careful), he is “50 Shades of Cray.” Yet I somehow got the “goldigger” award for asking how we could work together to move for his lame job which he clearly doesn’t plan on keeping given his newfound interests. I have a long road towards forgiveness. The wisest spiritual traditions (in my opinion) recommend compassion towards all. I try daily to remind myself that the events leading up to this (his messed up life and mental state) deserve some empathy despite the end result.
Ladies, I hope none of you finds yourself in this situation, but if so please read Leslie’s book (above) and don’t spend another second on a Houdini who doesn’t care. You may feel as if you are alone. Surely no one else has a fiancé that “ghosts” them but we are out there and staying strong. It happened to a dear friend of mine and she was able to move on and marry a man who is the true love of her life. Read the book, send me a message, go take a walk even if you’d rather die instead (believe me, I’ve had many days where that seemed like a fantastic option). Someday you will slowly start to realize that you are better off without him. Anyone want to purchase my (used) engagement ring?
XOXO
Broke Down in Paradise
